


Wasted Light (It's A Long Way Down)

by Arter, HelldiverOfLykos



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Amnesia, Did I Mention Angst?, Fluff and Angst, Harry falls apart, Hartwin, Lots of Angst, M/M, Pining Harry, Poor Eggsy, Smoll Eggsy, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-25 10:18:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4956526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arter/pseuds/Arter, https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelldiverOfLykos/pseuds/HelldiverOfLykos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eggsy falls off the roof trying to get into the house. He says he's fine, but Harry's not so sure...</p><p>Based on an RP I did on Omegle with a lovely stranger (you know who you are!)</p><p>Named after the Ronan Keating song of the same name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stay With Me

**Author's Note:**

> Before we begin the delicious fic, I would like to reccomend a song to have on repeat while reading: Stay With Me, by Sam Smith. I would also like to know that THIS WAS NOT BRITPICKED (well, I'M not British.)
> 
> Now, shall we begin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eggsy falls off a roof... and gets in very serious trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was named after the Sam Smith song, as some of you may have noticed. The reason will be more apparent as you read, and I reccomend you have the song on repeat ;)

**Eggsy, where the hell are you?**

_I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda just chillin for a minute. EU_

**YOU FELL OFF A ROOF??? HH**

_Obviously. It's gonna be fine, though. Just need to catch my breath. EU_

**Bloody hell. What were you doing in top of a roof, anyway? HH**

_I'd rather not tell you. Why did you even ask? It's not like you need me at work right now... or? EU_

**I need you to come home. HH**

_I'm almost at home. Like literally under your window. I fell off our roof. I'm quite suprised you didn't hear it. EU_

**Holy fuck! I'm coming, Eggsy, just don't try to move or anything. HH**

_I'm fine, Harry. Just open the door. I forgot my keys. EU_

Harry rushed for the door and opened it with shaking hands. A million and one thoughts were swirling in his mind. _Was Eggsy all right? Did he break anything? What possessed him to climb on the roof???_

Harry breathed a sigh of relief as he caught sight of a rather rumpled-looking young man waiting on the front step. Eggsy was picking at his nails, staring down at his hands intensely when Harry opened the door. His gaze shot up and smiled slightly even though his head hurt like _hell._ It really wasn't easy coping with a fall like that. He had been an idiot, once again.

"Hi," Eggsy mumbled, and gazed at Harry, waiting for his reaction.

"What were you _thinking???_ Climbing up on the roof because you lost your keys? You could have gotten yourself _killed!_ " Harry agonized. He had worried himself sick wondering why Eggsy hadn't come hime for dinner. And now that he had found him, he'd found out that Eggsy had been climbing on the bloody roof!

Eggsy shrugged. "I don't know. I just didn't want to disturb you. Besides, I really thought I could have dropped onto the balcony or something." Eggsy smiled his slightly childish smile and glanced into the house. "I missed the balcony by about a meter or so," he added, frowning slightly. "'M fine, though. Really. Jus' a little headache."

Harry frowned. "We'd better get Merlin to check you out anyway. Internal bleeding could kill you if we don't catch it in time." He wrapped an arm around Eggsy's shoulder. "Just pease don't scare me like that again. I don't think my heart would be able to take it."

Eggsy pressed his cheek to Harry's hand on his shoulder. "I'll be good. Wouldn't want you dying on me at this point," he teased gently, though, truth be told, he really did worry abour scaring Harry. Someday, this joke wouldn't be a joke anymore. It could happen...

"Let's go inside, yeah? I think I need to lay down for a moment," Eggsy suggested. "Oh, and I'm jot going to die. It's not that bad."

Harry smiled softly and followed Eggsy to the sitting room. He lowered himself slowly into his armchair while Eggsy stretched out on the sofa, propping his legs up on the coffee table. He noted the shadow of worry clouding Eggsy's eyes and reached out to take his hand.

"Don't worry, love. I've been through much worse, believe me. A little scare is nothing compared to getting shot by a maniac tech tycoon and having everyone believe for 5 months that you died." Harry said it like it was it wasn't a big deal, but it was. Harry almost shuddered at the memory of what happened at the church in Kentucky. He unconsciously brought a hand up to rub the scar on his left temple where Valentine had shot him.

Eggsy shook his head, trying his best to smile. Sadly, that wasn't going to happen, because the memories of those 5 months he had been alone popped back into his head. He glanced at Harry, but soon let his gaze wander to the floor.

"Har... Please don't talk about what happened in Kentucky," Eggsy pleaded, his voice nearly a whisper. He slowly pulled his hand out of Harry's grip and rubbed his forehead. By now, it was aching quite fiercely.

The young man blinked a few times, concentrating on his toes. "It's jus' tha' I don't really want to think about what could happen. I already lost you once, and that's more than enough," Eggsy said softly.

Harry shifted to the sofa to sit next to Eggsy. "I'm sorry, love. I shouldn't have brought that up. I know it was hard for you, and I'm truly sorry you had to go through that." Harry laced his fingers with Eggsy's and gently pressed his lips to his cheek. "I thought I lost you, too, when Merlin sent you to eliminate that terrorist cell group in New York." Harry chewed his lip as the image of Eggsy lying motionless on a hospital bed, surrounded by monitors, flashed across his vision.

Harry frowned. "I just made it worse, didn't I?"

Eggsy stared blankly at his toes on the coffee table, breathing in and out slowly. He couldn't get the images out of his head. He just couldn't, no matter how hard he tried.

"It's fine," he said shortly, his gaze still fixed on his toes. His head felt heavy, and his breathing was getting more and more shallow. The image of Harry's bloody face burned in his mind. He couldn't get it out.

"I-it's not fine," Eggsy mumbled after a moment of silence. His gaze shot up to look at Harry for a moment before standing up in one swift movement. "I'm sorry. I just need to clear my thoughts," he said just as his vision started going black. He leaned forward, keeping himself up by holding his knees.

"Shit," the younger agent mumbled. "Fuck."

"Eggsy!" Harry cried, catching Eggsy in his arms as he swayed and collapsed. He laid Eggsy out on the sofa, sending a quick text to Merlin asking for IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION.

"Eggsy, love, just stay awake. Stay with me." Harry's hands shook as he took Eggsy's pulse with one hand and gently stroked his face with the other. "Merlin's on his way. Can you tell me what's wrong?"

The pounding in Eggsy's head refused to go away. He frowned, squinting in the bright light. Otherwise, he was fine...

Well, every time he closed his eyes, he could see Harry's death replay over and over again, but other than that, he was fine.

"'M fine, Harry. Jus' a little headache," Eggsy answered as his eyelids started feeling heavier. He was starting to have trouble keeping his eyes open. "'M fine... 'M fine..." the blonde repeated quietly.

"You're not fine, Eggsy. I need you to stay awake, Eggsy. Do it for me, _please._ " Harry tried to keep his voice even, but he could still hear the shakiness and worry starting to edge in.

Eggsy could barely hear the first few words of Harry's sentence. He turned his head to look out the sitting room window, but he couldn't see much. Actually, he could only see light and shadows. Harry's tight grip on his hand was slightly comforting, but worrying at the same time. Why was he holding on so hard?

Just then, Merlin burst in, bearing a large first-aid kit. He bent over Eggsy to start his examination.

A large shadow appeared, nearly blocking Eggsy's vision completely. "M-Merlin?" the young man stuttered. He squinted, trying to make out Merlin's face.

"Yes, it's me. Stay still, lad," Merlin said, as he gave Harry a worried look. Merlin conducted a quick checkup on Eggsy and turned back to Harry, his face flooded with concern.

"He may have internal bleeding inside his skull. We need to get him back to HQ and deal with it ASAP or we may... lose him."

Thos last two words sent of terror down Harry's spine. He quickly swept Eggsy up in his arms and dashed out the door. He found the Kingsman cab waiting for them outside and bundled Eggsy into the back. He sat with Eggsy's head in his lap as Merlin drove like a man possessed through the streets of London.

Eggsy was all but unconscious when he was carried into the cab. He clutched at Harry's shirt the best he could, but he could feel his grip getting weaker and weaker. Reality was a blur, and the sounds around him were blending into a cacophony of what was real and what was his own imagination.

"No!" Eggsy squealed. "Harry!" He suddenly tightened his grip on Harry's shirt and squirmed in his lap.

The visions were too realistic. _Harry was dead. He had lost him again._ Tears began to drip down Eggsy's face.

"Harry," he whimpered, the pain in his head becoming unbearable.

Harry's hands somehow found Eggsy's through the tears blurring his vision.

"Eggsy, love, I'm right here. Stay with me. Just stay with me, _please!_ " Harry pleaded. He didn't care that his voice was cracked and trembling. He didn't care that Merlin was driving 20 over the speed limit. All that mattered right now was Eggsy. His Eggsy. And the fact that he was teetering dangerously on the line between life and death.

"Hurry, Merlin! He's slipping!" Harry cried desperately.

It hurt so fucking much. Egsy cried out in pain, but he wasn't sure if it was because of his headache or because of Harry. He truly thought that Harry was gone. He let out a tortured groan and kicked his leg against the cab door.

"H-help me..." the young man whimpered. "Harry, Harry! I don't want to die!" Eggsy begged, his eyes shooting open.

He was met with the older agent's terrified being and he let out a sob. He wasn't dreaming anymore. Harry wasn't dead. He was the one dying.

"I can't die. I don't... I don't want to die," he whimpered. "I love you, Harry. I love you so much. _Please_ don't let me die," Eggsy pleaded, clinging to Harry's shirt. God, he didn't want his life to end like this, beacause of his own stupid actions. He wanted to grow old by Harry's side. He wanted to have a life with him. This wasn't enough. It couldn't end now.

Harry held Eggsy closer to him. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't bear to watch his lover die in front of him.

The world seemed to slow down as Merlin pulled up outside the Kingsman shop and paramedics swarmed the cab. Harry very nearly attacked one of them as they pried Eggsy from his arms. _What were they doing? Why were they taking Eggsy away from him?_

Eggsy was pulled out of the cab and lifted onto a stretcher. He whimpered, grasping for Harry. _Where was he?_

"Harry!" he called out, terrified of losing him again. He needed Harry now, but he wasn't there. Had these people taken him away? Frightened, Eggsy tried to look around, but was held still by multiple hands.

"Harry!" he called again, trying to look back, but he saw nothing.

Silent tears blurred Harry's vision as he watched Eggsy reach out, calling his name as he was taken away. The dam holding his emotions finally broke at this, and he slumped over in the cab, sobbing uncontrollably. He couldn't lose Eggsy. He just couldn't.

_"Eggsy... Eggsy, please stay with me. **Please.** "_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was just the beginning...
> 
> Let me know if there are any mistakes and PLEASE DON'T ATTACK ME IF I GOT ANYTHING WRONG, PLEASE.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	2. Come Back... Be Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This chapter is a bit longer than the prevoius one, and I really hope you like it!
> 
> This chapter was named after the Taylor Swift song of the same title. I couldn't really find anyother song that fit the feeling of this chapter, so... yea.
> 
> Just a warning: there will be some MEGA ANGSTY SONGS for the next chapter ;)
> 
>  
> 
> This is when the feeling sinks in,  
> I don't wanna miss you like this  
> Come back, be here.  
> Come back, be here.
> 
> ~Taylor Swift

Shivers travelled up and down Eggsy's spine, and a cold sweat glistened on his forehead. His breathing was uneven, his gaze shooting from one place to another. s this it? Was he going to die? He didn't want to die! He didn't want to leave Harry!

"He's crashing!" one of the paramedics shouted, his voice echoing in Eggsy's ears.

_This was it, wasn't it? He didn't even get to say goodbye."_

\-----------------------

Harry was a wreck. He had been waiting outside the OR for 4 hours. Eggsy had crashed twice already, but was just managing to hold on. _Just._

Harry buried his head in his hands. The only place he wanted to be right now was with Eggsy, holding his hand, telling him that he would pull through.

He would pull through, wouldn't he?

Harry's body shook as another sobbing fit wracked his body.

If onlu he had noticed sooner, if only he had checked on Eggsy sooner, if only, _if only, **if only**_ he had been there sooner, Eggsy wouldn't be fighting for his life!

Harry's hody quivered with another series of fresh sobs. Through his tears, he was vaguely aware of Merlin's arm slipping around his shoulders.

"It's not your fault, Harry," Merlin whispered.

Harry's hands balled into fists.

 _"Then whose fault **is** it, then? Tell me, Merlin!"_ he snapped, turning on his best friend.

Merlin flicnched as if he had been slapped. Harry's firey gaze softened as he noticed the hurt in Merlin's eyes. He buried his face in his hands again.

"I'm sorry, Merlin. That was uncalled for." _Why was his voice still shaking, dammit!_

Merlin just smiled sadly in response whispered a low "I forgive you."

\----------------------------

Back in the OR, Eggsy was fighting for his life. He was unconscious, and a machine was helping him breathe. At this point, the doctors were doing their best to minimize the risk of brain damage, if the young Kingsman ever woke up, that is.

Everything was rather unclear at the moment. Eggsy had a large internal hemmorhage and his neck had been damaged in the fall. It wasn't broken, but it wasn't ok, either.

Sadly, that wasn't the least of their worries. Eggsy wouldn't be able to hold in for much longer, and needed rest. The operation could only last for a few hours before the young man's body would give out.

His blood was _everywhere._ On his face, on his upper torso, even on his hands! The doctors had tried to keep him clean, but it was hard in a situation like this. They couldn't do any more than they already had, lest catastrophe strike.

One of the surgeons exited the OR and braced himself to face Harry. He couldn't keep the pity out of his expression as he approached Eggsy's anxious lover.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but the situation isn't looking good. Our team is doing the best they can, but the internal hemorrhage has spread to a large area." The surgeon gulped nervously before continuing. "If he pulls through, there is the possibiliy of brain damage or even amnesia...."

Harry barely heard the rest of the doctor's report.

 _Amnesia. **Amnesia.**_ That horrible word seared itself on Harry's brain.

His Eggsy, his precious, dear, sweet Eggsy might not even remember his name if he woke up. **If** he woke up.

Harry's world spun as he dropped to the floor.

No, _no, **NONONONO...**_

All the things he never did. All the thing he never said. Harry's fingers closed around the thin gold rin in his pocket.

_No._

\------------------------------

Days passed, but there was little to none improvement in Eggsy's state. The doctor's diagnosis didn't change, nor did anybody else say that they actually believed that the young agent would ever wake up again.

Ifs and buts were thrown around, but the words amnesia and/or brain damage were usually included in the same sentence. It truly wasn't looking good.

It wasn't until the three week mark that things started to change.

First it was a simple beeb of the monitor. Nothing much, but it was something.

The doctors kept close to Eggsy's room for the next day, but not much happened. Then, after a few more days there was another beep. Then another. His heart rate spiked every now and then and the other monitors picked up more activity in the brain. He hadn't gained consciousness yet, but the doctors concluded that it could happen any day now.

\------------------------------

Harry had rushed from the office when he got the doctor's call. He was now sitting beside Eggsy's bed, holding his hand.

The doctor had told him over the phone that Eggsy's condition was slowly improving, but Harry shouldn't get his hopes up.

There was a chance that Eggsy may never wake up. But there was still a chance that he would make a full recovery, and that was a chance that Harry was clinging on to for dear life.

He had crashed together with Eggsy in the operating theater. Days were dull, the world had lost its color, and life had all but lost its purpose.

What was life without Eggsy?

Dark, grey, and meaningless, that's what.

Harry had so many times put his gun to his head, but it was the thought of Eggsy waking up to find that he was gone that always prevented him from pulling the trigger.

\-----------------------------

Exactly a month and two days after the accident, Eggsy truly started waking up. At first it was only his limbs; his toes curled every now and then and his fingers moved around extremely slowly. It was like his body was thawing after being frozen for a month.

Unfortunately, he wasn't conscious for long periods of time. Only about half a minute at a time. Even though he tried, he couldn't get his eyes open, for his eyelids felt like they were held down by weights.

When he finally was able to open his eyes, all that the young man could see was blinding white light. He started and tried to see what was going on, but found himself unable to move. He tried to move his arms, but his limbs were too tired. It was as if they didn't want to do as they were told.

His heart rate spiked and the monitor beeped at an abnormal pace for a moment, but soon enough the darkness pulled Eggsy back into it's cold embrace.

It wasn't until a few hours later when the young man opened his eyes again. This time, he knew what to expect...well, at least he thought he knew.

Eggsy blinked slowly, his eyes getting used to the light.

He didn't know where he was. It didn't look like a normal hospital room. Heck, it barely resembled a hospital room. Everything was so white and high-tech that it seemed like it was from some kind of movie.

_Where the fuck was he?_

He blinked again, trying to look around. It was hard, since he still didn't have enough energy to move his limbs or body. It was horrible, but obviously it could get much more worse.

Suddenly Eggsy's eyes met the rather scruffy looking man by his side and they widened in shock.

_Who the hell was he?_

Harry's eyes fluttered a bit at the sound of a small gasp.

"A-are you ok?" a worried voice asked.

Harry's eyes shot open.

Eggsy's voice. It was Eggsy's voice!

Harry shot upright and met with a pair of wide, frightened eyes.

"I'm fine, love." Harry slipped his hand into Eggsy's, stroking Eggsy's face with the other. "How are you feeling?"

Harry quickly sent a text to the doctor to COME IMMEDIATELY EGGSY HAD WOKEN UP, then turned his attention to the confused-looking young man swamped by wires and monitors.

How could he have let something like this happen to Eggsy? He wanted to hold Eggsy in his arms and whisper sweet nothings in his ear and tell him that everything would be ok. Problem is, if he said that, he'd probably be lying.

"Do you remember anything? You fell off the roof of our house and had an internal hemmorhage."

 _What the fuck? Why would he even climb onto a roof?_ Eggsy thought.

He let out a shaky breath. This was all beginning to be too overwhelming. He needed to think things out.

How could he not remember anything that had happened? God, the last thing he actually remembered was being out drinking with his friends. Yeah, it was that one night when Dean got pissed at him and threw him out of the house. How could Eggsy not remember anything after that? 

To be honest, Eggsy felt like he was going to die. His head hurt like hell and he still had no bloody idea who the man next to him was. God, this was like the night after in some shitty romantic comedy...

"Wh....who are you?" Eggsy whispered."Where am I?"

"You're in ICU at Kingsman HQ." Harry said sloftly as he reached out to squeeze Eggsy's arm.

"Take it easy, love. Don't want you blacking out again."

Harry just managed to squeeze out those last words. He couldn't let Eggsy slip away. He wouldn't let him slip from his grasp just as he had found him again.

"You need to rest. You're still not fully recovered from the surgery."

_"Love"? Who the fuck was this man?_

Eggsy frowned, letting his eyelids flop shut for a moment. He felt defeated and lonely, but mostly terrified.

_What the hell was Kingsman and why was this man in the room? What surgery had he been in?_

Not bothering to open his eyes anymore, the young man let out another shaky breath and tried to keep himself calm. The rapid beeping of his heart monitor told the obvious truth: that he was failing rather miserably.

After a moment the doctor came into the room and started to examine Eggsy. He had him open his eyes, even though the young blonde found it almost impossible.

"Who is this man?" Eggsy whispered to the doctor who then frowned and glanced at Harry.

"He doesn't seem to remember, Sir." the doctor remarked to Harry.

Eggsy's eyes widened.

_Was he supposed to know him?_

He had no idea who this "Sir" was, but he got the impression that he was someone important.

 _No._ Harry's fears were confirmed in that one heartbreaking moment. Every hope he had previously clung to had been shattered.

_Keep calm. He's scared and confused and needs help. He'll remember eventually, wouldn't he?_

"My name is Harry Hart. I was your mentor. You were part of a secret international intelligence agency called Kingsman. You were brought here for medical attention after you fell off a roof. You've been in a coma for about two and a half months." Harry's voice was even, nearly robotic.

He couldn't trust his body not to give his emotions away.

_He finally had his Eggsy back, didn't he? Yes, he did. He was pretty sure he wasn't dreaming. Then why did he still feel so alone, so empty?_

"Eggsy. Sorry, Gary. Gary Unwin." answered the young man and tried to smile, but to no avail. He didn't feel like smiling at all, even faking one felt like too much of a stretch for him right now.

"Oh...right. You probably know who I am. Don' you?" Eggsy remembered, feeling suddenly rather embarrassed. God, he was such an idiot. He didn't need this. He didn't want to feel like he'd forgotten something for the rest of his life.

"Do you need to rest? I could come back later if you need some space."

Eggsy frowned slightly, not quite knowing what to say.

_Why in the name of hell would anybody want him to join an intelligence agency?_

He was just a fucked up kid with a life expectancy of max. 30 years. Most of his time he spent drunk or otherwise in trouble, sometimes even actually stealing or scamming people for money that he could give to his mum. It was nothing to be proud of and barely a reason to be picked into a fancy-looking agency like this.

"I-I'm sorry....Sir, but I...I can't remember." Eggsy breathed, looking up at the older man with worried eyes.

He was scared, to say the least.

_when would he get out of here? Was his family ok? He couldn't just be held here, if he didn't want to stay, right?_

"When can I go home?" 

"I'm not sure. You may have to stay with us for some time so we can make sure you won't slip back into a coma after you return home. Don't worry if you can't remember much. It'll come to you eventually."

Harry had to get away. He could feel his cool and collected facade cracking open with every word he spoke.

He quickly excused himself and slumped against the wall outside Eggsy's room where he was sure Eggsy couldn't see him. Harry buried his face in his hands and let the tears flow freely.

He had been so worried about losing Eggsy. He had been _so_ convinced that there was nothing in the world that was worse than losing the boy he loved.

_**He had been so fucking wrong.** _


	3. All I Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recs for this chapter:
> 
> \- My Everything by Ariana Grande
> 
> \- Stay With Me by Sam Smith
> 
> \- Just A Little Bit Of Your Heart by Ariana Grande
> 
> \- Getting Nowhere by Lawson
> 
> \- Wasted Light by Ronan Keating
> 
>  
> 
> Tired of feeling like I'm just getting nowhere,  
> All the signs are saying she din't want me there.  
> Can't let you go, you must still feel something somewhere,  
> Don't say the love has gone.
> 
> Can't fight it, can't hide it, I'm getting nowhere.  
> So hopeless, can't deny it, I'm getting nowhere.
> 
> ~Lawson
> 
>  
> 
> With so much to say, we said too little.
> 
> Back then, we were pretenders,  
> So young, and ready to fight,
> 
> But it's a long way down when you're far from the ground,  
> And I've been falling most of my life.  
> And though the sun shines even after you're gone,  
> I feel sorry for the wasted light.
> 
> ~ Ronan Keating

From outside the room, Harry could hear Eggsy calling for him.

Images from that fateful night a month and a half ago flashed before his eyes. He could see Eggsy groping for him, seeking the hands that had been torn from his own.

Harry swallowed down another sob, closing his eyes tightly to try and block out the memories.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't stop Eggsy's voice ringing in his ears. He couldn't stop reliving that night when Eggsy, _his_ Eggsy, was snatched from his arms.

His hand stole up to his chest, and his fingers closed around the thin gold ring that hung on a cord around his neck.

_Eggsy's ring._

\-----------------------------

There was no answer and Eggsy couldn't hear anything else but the loud and monotonous beeping of the monitors surrounding his bed. He frowned, but slowly closed his eyes.

Hell, he needed answers, but now he had lost his chance.

Harry had left him alone with his lost thoughts. Everything hurt and the fact that the young man couldn't remember anything didn't help.

He wanted to remember.

No, he  _needed_ to remember, but he couldn't. Everything was blank. Well, except for his childhood and the time before this Kingsman shitshow. 

Eggsy closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. It wasn't a very deep sleep and he was quite restless. His dreams were stressful, to say the least. Bright lights and loud noises, almost like voices. They didn't make any sense, though. Most of it the blond didn't understand, but he caught some words here and there. They made no sense to him. Only when one extremely loud band rang in his ears his eyes shot open.

_Fuck._

_What was that?_

Eggsy looked around, his heart pounding hard in his chest.

Had he fallen asleep? Yes, probably.

He still felt tired, to be honest. But he couldn't even think of sleeping right now. He needed answers, but he had no way of contacting Harry or the medical staff.

Well, that was until he managed to pull off the heart rate sensor attached to his middle finger. Straightaway, the monitor flatlined, and a loud continuous beep rang in the room. It didn't take long for the nurses to start rushing around in the hall, calling for the doctors.

Of course, they all thought that he was dying.

\-----------------------------

Harry had been talking to the doctors about Eggsy's condition. They had just advised him to encourage Eggsy to try to remember details about his life when they heard the heartrate monitor in Eggsy's room next door flatline.

Harry's face flooded with horror, confusion, dread, disbelief, and fear.

_No._

_**Eggsy.** _

They all dashed to the ICU to find a rather annoyed-looking but very alive Eggsy sitting in bed, his arms folded.

"Took you long enough."

Harry let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. His knees promptly decided to buckle and he lowered himself slowly to the floor, taking deep breaths to calm himself and trying desperately to regain his composure.

"Shit. Fucking shit," he whispered, clutching at his chest. His fingers brushed the ring on the cord around his neck and he nearly lost control again. He closed his eyes tightly, his fist closing over the ring under his shirt.

"You 'aight, Sir?" Eggsy asked, leaning forward.

It looked like the other was literally having a heart attack. The blonde could only wonder why his little call had scared him so much.

He only needed someone to come! No harm was done, right?

"'s he havin' a stroke?" Eggsy inquired from one of the doctors, who shook his head. A small frown formed onto his face.

Eggsy raised his brows in confusion, glancing between the doctor and the gentleman on the ground, his eyes round as plates. 

Harry screwed his face up. He couldn't take it for much longer,he knew he couldn't.

He wanted to tell Eggsy everything in hope that it would jolt something inside his head. He wanted to tell Egsy how much he loved him, how much he would always love him, how much he needed him to be his side, how much he wanted him to _remember_ , if only for a few minutes, just to be sure that somewhere, deep down inside, Eggsy still loved him.

"What on earth is goin' on here?" Eggsy asked, but didn't receive an answer. The doctor was too concentrated on fixing his monitors and Harry seemed like he was dying a slow death on the floor.

"Can I just...can I please call my mum. I need ta talk to her." Eggsy pleaded. God, he knew his mother would be dead worried about him. Truth be told, everything seemed so chaotic that the youngster wouldn't be surprised if his mum didn't know about this incident in the first place. Maybe...just maybe hearing her voice could bring back memories?

"Pleas, sir?" Eggsy almost begged.

The doctor nodded silently and handed Eggsy his mobile. 

Eggsy took the phone and nodded a slight thank you. He dreaded to call his mum, but knew that it was the right thing to do.

What if nobody had told her and she though that he'd died or something? It would be inpossible to tell her anything, since he didn't know what had happened and what the hell was going on. 

In the meantime, Harry had somehow managed to pick himself off the floor, but he could still feel his knees shaking. Eggsy was tearing him apart in a way only he could, and there seemed no way to stop it.

As Eggsy dialed his mum's number, Harry slipped off the cord that hung around his neck. The gold ring that was threaded on it glowed in the bright light of the room. Harry ran his finger slowly over the tiny words inscibed inside:  **You're all I need. ~HH**

Eggsy raised the phone to his ear and let it ring.

Whilst the blonde was waiting, he observed Harry, who still seemes rather upset. He was touching a golden ring that looked actually really beautiful. It glistened in the light of the room, shining brightly like a star. Of course, Eggsy wanted to ask about it, but he didn't have the courage to.

_What if Harry had lost his partner? What if that was their ring?_

"Eggsy?" His mother's voice jolted him out of his reverie. God, he could hear her holding her breath.

"Yeah. Yeah, it's me." The young man said, voice hoarse. He just wanted to cry. He had no idea what he was supposed to say. 

His mother went on, asking him about his health and what had happened, but unfortunately, there wasn't much the blonde could tell her. He just insisted on being fine. His mum told him that Harry had called him when this first had happened, but after that nobody told her anything. She obviously didn't know that his son had no idea who Harry was.

Harry listened silently to Eggsy's conversation with his mother.

Silent tears streaked down his face as he wished with all his heart that he could turn back time, say all the things he never said, have just one more precious moment with his Eggsy even if he couldn't stop what Fate had decreed.

"A-are you ok?" Eggsy's voice broke through Harry's thoughts like a ray of sunshine slicing through black stormclouds.

If Harry was the tempest, Eggsy was the calm. Funny thing about opposites, you can't have one without the other.

They make each other what they are.

Harry nodded, tucking the ring back under his shirt. He dabbed the wet streaks off his face and turned to face Eggsy again.

Eggsy wanted to say that the older man really didn't look fine, but he didn't want to start arguing with him. 

"What do you remember, Eggsy?"

The youngster moved in his bed slightly, frowning at Harry's question. For fuck's sake, he couldn't remember anything that the other probably wanted him to remember.

He shook his head.

"Nothin'" Eggsy answered. "Well, nothin' about you and whatever this fucking Kingsman is supposed to be," he added, clearly frustrated.

"I just want to go home." Eggsy confessed, looking down. He missed his mum and Daisy, even though he knew that Dean would also be waiting for him.

"So, if you don't wanna tell me anything...I'd really like to go. I can go to a public hospital if needed." he spoke. The blonde lifted his gaze back to the older man, trying to figure out who he could have been to him. He truly had no idea...

So Harry told him everything.

Everything about Eggsy's recruitment, Harry's death and return, V-day, _everything._

Everything except for their relationship.

He should have. He knew that.

But he didn't want to lose Eggsy competely. The fact that _his_ Eggsy, the Eggsy that had fought through warzones and literally killed to be with him, was gone was bad enough.

Scaring him away and being separated from him was unthinkable.

\-----------------------------

Eggsy stared at the man who claimed to be his mentor, lips slightly parted.

He didn't know what to say or what to do.

He felt angry, but sad at the same time. He had absolutely no memory of anything ever happening, which made him extremely frustrated.

How in the name of hell was the blonde supposed to believe a story like this? Why would he be picked to be an agent in an agency like this? Even the training he received in the military wouldn't get him far in this line of work.

"I- I want to go home." Eggsy finally said, looking down at his pale hands.

He didn't want to  be here anymore. He didn't want to try and remember something that might have not even happened. Maybe this was just some king of sick joke?

The boy shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself.

"I can't remember anythin'. I don't know how to use a gun and I'm definitely not a gentleman like all of you." he spoke. "I'm useless to you."

"No, you're not. You're not useless. Don't feel bad because you can't remember anything, Eggsy. I proposed you for a reason, and that was because I saw something special in you." Harry chewed his lip.

He couldn't keep it in any longer.

_Deep breath._

He was going to do it.

"Eggsy... There's something I haven't told you."

_Breathe._

"You fell in love with me. And I fell for you, too. After I came back from Kentucky, you moved in with me. If you want to go back and live with your mother, it's fine with me. It's fine with me if you decide that you don't have feelings for me. I-I'm just glad you're safe." Harry smiled the best he could, even though his heart was screaming in agony.

"I just want you to be happy," Harry whispered.

Eggsy's eyes widened in shock. He was speechless, to say the least.

What the  _fuck_ was going on?

This had to be some kind of joke. It just had to.

Why would he even fall in love with his mentor? Besides, Harry was at least fifteen years older than him. It would have been unprofessional and a miracle that Eggsy hadn't actually been kicked out of Kingsman. Relationships between agents had to be against the rules, right?

"Leave, please." was all that the young man could get out of his mouth. He didn't know what to say, or what to do. He needed to be alone and think these things through. To be honest, he didn't feel any connection to the man next to him.

Nothing at all.

Actually, he didn't even seem that nice. Eggsy only felt very, very confused and stressed. He wanted to go home and forget about this whole thing.

Sadly, it wasn't that easy.

It took everything in Harry to keep a neutral face as he left Eggsy's room. He leaned on the wall just outside the door.

_Fucking shit, **why did he have to tell Eggsy???** ___

__He should have known that it would end badly. Now Eggsy would slip away completely. He would go back to his own life and forget what Harry had told him about Kingsman. Fuck, he'd forget about _Harry.__ _

__Harry closed his eyes tightly. Why did he have to do something that fucking stupid?_ _

__Now he was going to lose Eggsy because of his stupid mistake._ _

__He was going to lose his everything._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me!
> 
> Btw, READ IT WITH THE SONGS ON REPLAY. IT ADDS TO THE ANGST. THE SWEET, SWEET BURN OF ANGST.
> 
> I'll be expecting death threats soon...


	4. Reminisce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec for this chapter:
> 
> \- When She Was Mine my Lawson
> 
> \- My Everything by Ariana Grande
> 
> \- Amnesia by 5 Seconds Of Summer (duh, this is an Amnesiac!fic. I have no idea why the fuck I didn't include this in my earlier song recs...)
> 
>  
> 
> Everything was easy,  
> Everything was simple,  
> Never felt so good when she was mine,  
> I wanted to remember,  
> Never missed a second,  
> Now I wish I could forget, forget  
> When she was mine...
> 
> ~ Lawson

Eggsy didn't dare look at Harry when he left the room. He just stared at his own fingers, digging dried blood from under his nails. He sighed, thoughts jumping to completely idiotic conclusions.

Maybe Harry payed him for a shag every now and then? Or...something. He couldn't fall in love with a man like that...could he? Besides, Eggsy would most likely be worried sick all the time, because Harry would be getting into trouble. He wouldn't want that for himself.

Would he?

Eggsy frowned and let out a small sigh.

Was he going to stay at Kingsman? Maybe, but he'd have to go through training all over again... He didn't know how to do anything like he obviously had some time ago. What if he'd never learn? He'd really be useless then.

"Fucking shit..." the youngster murmured. He needed fresh air. _Now._

Carefully, Eggsy shifted on his bed. He had to get out right now.

He glanced at the heart monitor and frowned. He ripped the power chord from the wall so that it wouldn't set off an alarm when he took off the sensor on his finger. Eggsy then pulled out the IV in his hand, a string of curse words leaving his mouth. It ripped his skin a bit, causing blood to start dripping out. He made sure not to drop any on the floor, so he just tied a piece of bandage around it.

Eggsy thought that Harry had left the building or something, so he got the shock of his life when he found him outside of the door.

_God damn it, this was not how it was supposed to go._

Still quite weak, the young man leaned against the doorframe and frowned.

"Uh..I wasn't...I didn't mean to..." he stuttered.

Harry raised his hand, cutting Eggsy off. If he had been startled hy Eggsy in any way, it certainly didn't show.

"It's ok. I know that you're confused, maybe even scared, and just want to go home. You have every right to feel the way you feel right now."

Harry took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I want to tell you that it's your choice what you want to do next. You can go home to your mother, you could take up your position at Kingsman again, you can do whatever you want to. You can go wherever you want to go."

Harry shushed Eggsy again as he opened his mouh to protest.

"It's ok if you decide to leave Kingsman. It's ok if you don't want to be with me. I- we just want you to be happy wherever you go." Harry smiled sadly. Saying those words was like stabbing a knife in his own chest, but all that mattered was Eggsy. What he wanted, where he wanted to be.

Who he wanted to be.

Sometimes, if you love someone, you have to let them go.

Problem was, Harry didn't want to let go.

He couldn't let go.

Eggsy raised his other brow a bit. So, they were ready to train him all over again to be an agent, were they? Maybe he could start all over again if he worked really hard. That way he'd have something to occupy himself with and possibly even provide for his mum and Daisy. That'd be great, obviously.

The probability of it happening was low, though. What if everything was just too awkward now? Truth be told, Eggsy did find himself feeling rather uncomfortable when talking to Harry. It was strange knowing that he was someone he had loved, but now didn't even remember. He felt like he was obliged to know and love that man, even though right now he felt _nothing._

"So...you're willin' to take me back?" Eggsy asked, slightly hesitant about this.

"'Cause I was thinkin' tha' maybe...maybe I could come back. You know, if I'd get trained all over again." he continued, not able to lift his gaze to meet the older one's eyes. He felt like an idiot. Maybe they didn't want him back because he didn't know how to do anything anymore. He was quite useless, to say the least.

"It'd be a nice way to occupy myself with sumthin'." Eggsy spoke. "I get payed, right?"

Harry immediately brightened up. Eggsy wanted to return to Kingsman! He could still see him, even if Eggsy never... _w a n t e d  h i m  b a c k..._

Harry shook off the sadness that was starting to envelop him.

_Be happy for Eggsy. Eggsy deserves to be happy, even if it kills you._

"Of course you get paid! If you'd really like to join Kingsman again, I can arrange for Merlin to give you a refresher on your previous training." Harry smiled as well as it was possible to with a knife shredding your insides.

_Oh, a mere 'refresher' might not be sufficient for his needs._

Sorry, Harry.

"Eggsy... Thank you for coming back. I look forward to working with you soon." Harry said softly as he took the younger man's arm.

"I think you should stay in bed for the time being, until you get your strength back. If you fall and seriously injure yourself, you may not be able to pass the fitness test to qualify as a field agent," Harry remarked as he led Eggsy back to bed.

Eggsy nodded, the corners of his mouth curvin into a small, unsure smile. So, now he was to become a Kingsman all over again. It was going to be an experience, for sure. Working with Harry, on the other hand... was that something he was obliged to do? What if it really was too awkward for him? Well...maybe that was something to worry about later. Right now he wasn't even sure if he would be able to pass this fitness test the other was talking about.

"I was jus' thinking...since you trained me last time, shouldn't you be the one doin' it now?" Eggsy asked, mostly thinking of the way he'd progress. Maybe Harry knew him better than the others. Maybe he could teach him better than this fellow he was talking about.

"Who's this Merlin bloke, anyway?" the blonde asked as Harry lead him back into his room.

"I know where to go, you know?" he protested in a slightly annoyed tone as he pulled his arm from Harry's grip.

"I'm not a kid."

Harry chuckled as Eggsy flopped back on the bed and shot Harry an _adorable_ pout.

"First, I didn't train you, Merlin did. I merely proposed you for recruitment and guided you during training. Second, Merlin is our resident tech and hardware expert. He pulls all the strings behind the scenes to make what we do at Kingsman possible. And last, I know you're not a kid. Not anymore, anyway. I just don't want you to fall and hurt yourself." Harry smiled innocently and petted Eggsy's head.

The younger man looked up at Harry when he petted his head like he was some kind of dog. He narrowed his eyes but didn't dare say anything, because what he had in mind would probably have had him kicked out of Kingsman before he even got to the training.

"You should try to get some rest, even though you've been asleep for a month. Everything may be a bit too much for you to handle, what with all the excitement over your memories and... my... breakdown just now." Harry said as casually as possible.

_Don't let it show. **Gain control.**_

"I'll come and see you later if you want. Merlin will also come by to check on your condition." Harry remarked as he turned to leave.

"And don't worry if you can't remember everything. It will take some time, true, but no pressure." Harry winked at Eggsy and slipped outside.

Like the 'good boy' he was, Eggsy climbed back in bed. He didn't bother putting the sensors back on, because he believed himself to be just fine. Well...as fine as he could be in this situation. 

Eggsy looked down at his bare feet, waving them around a bit. He yearned for a proper run, but doubted that they'd let him leave. Well, not before that Merlin person showed up, at least.

A few minutes later there, was a sharp knock on the door, followed by a muffled voice, asking to come in.

"Yeah, you can come in, Merlin." Eggsy answered, guessing that the man behind the door was the one he was waiting for. Once this Merlin bloke stepped inside, the blonde looked up from his feet and met the gaze of the stranger. The man smiled, but Eggsy didn't. He had no reason to.

"So, how are we feeling today?" Merlin asked as he walked closer, clutching a clipboard in his hand.

The youngster shrugged.

"Fine, I guess." he answered, letting his gaze fall to the floor again. It was strange to be treated like acquaintance even when he had no idea who these people were. It was uncomfortable, to say the least.

"I see you've gotten out of bed already. How did it feel?" Merlin inquired, taking out his clipboard and tapping it a few times.

Eggsy tilted his head in confusion. It was paper, wasn't it? He'd need a pencil to write on it, yeah? It was strange how this man acted so nonchalant, tapping away on that clipboard.

"'s that paper?" Eggsy had to ask, thus ignoring question.

Merlin nodded, his smile fading.

"Now answer me, please." he said.

Eggsy nodded, feeling his cheeks burn up. He should have answered in the first place. Now Merlin thinks that he's not fine, doesn't he?

"It was ok. Harry didn't like it, though." he answered.

"Do you remember anything, lad?" Merlin asked, but the only answer he got was a small headshake.

"He did tell me everything, but I don't remember. And I mean _everything._ About our relationship 'n stuff," the boy shrugged.

Merlin furrowed his brow.

_Shit. Harry must be having a hard time._ He made a mental note to check in on Harry as soon as he could.

"So, any thoughts about that?" the man continued interrogating Eggsy, who felt quite cornered at the moment.

"Well...nothin' in particular. 's weird.... It doesn't feel like I could ever love someone like him. He's a complete stranger to me n' to be honest, he seems a little funny." he answered, playing with his nails again.

Merlin just stared at him for a moment.

"Hmm... I see. Talking about Harry, I need to go and see how he's holding up. Is there anything else you have on your mind?" the wizard asked.

Eggsy thought for a moment before answering.

"Well...Harry agreed to let me stay on in Kingsman. You'll be training me again, I think." he started.

"Also, I jus' wanted to ask if I could go for a walk. Outside, I mean." the blonde added. "And some proper clothes would be nice, too."

Merlin nodded thoughtfully, but after a moment he agreed.

"You promise me not to overwork yourself, right?" he inquired.

Eggsy nodded and smiled slightly, even though it didn't look very sincere.

He still didn't have a reason to smile.

"I'll have someone bring you something to put on. Be careful, and don't stay out too long." Merlin stated before heading to the door.

"Thanks." Eggsy thanked Merlin just before the man vanished from his sight.

Merlin sighed quietly as he left Eggsy's room. After seeing Eggsy's condition, he couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Harry, to wake up next to the man he loved, only to find that he didn't love him anymore.

Heck, Eggsy didn't even recognize Harry!

The worst part? Knowing that Harry was supposed to have proposed to Eggsy the night that he fell.

Harry had been planning it for almost a month, working out their dinner menu, carefully choosing the ring, agonizing for a week on what to etch on the inside. Harry had wanted sheer perfection for their special night, but it had ended in disaster instead.

Merlin had watched Harry unravel a bit more every day for a little over a month. He had watched his best friend fade into a shadow of the magnificent Galahad, the best agent (and possibly the best man) that Kingsman ever had.

He had watched the man that Eggsy, dear, sweet Eggsy, had fallen for die with Eggsy's heartbeat in the operating theater.

Merlin blinked back the tears pricking his eyelids and pulled out his phone to send a quick text to Harry.

_Stay away from any form of alcohol you have stashed in your house. I mean it. M_

_**Too late. HH** _

\-----------------------------

_Send._

Harry collapsed in his office chair in his study with a sound somewhere between a moan and a sob. He picked up the glass of brandy on his desk and downed it in one gulp, scrunching up his face as the liquid burned his throat on the way down.

It had been so much harder that he thought it would have been. He had lost all control if himself in the infirmary, telling Eggsy about _them._ It wasn't that he didn't want Eggsy to remember.

Of course he wanted the boy he loved- no, love _s_ \- back. He hadn't wanted Eggsy to uncomfortable around him, and what had he done? He'd made things even more complicated, not just for him and Eggsy, but for everyone else as well.

Harry buried his face in his hands. This wasn't his fault. He knew there was nothing he could have done about what happened that night. The Night he lost the Eggsy he had known and loved so well.

But if it wasn't his fault, why did it feel like he didn't do enough for Eggsy?

Why did it feel like he hadn't loved Eggsy enough to save him?

\-----------------------------

It didn't take long for one of the nurses to bring Eggsy a bundle of clothes which consisted of a brown overall suit with a pattern resembling something along the lines of scottish tartan, a white dress shirt, socks and a pair of shoes.

"Bit posh, innit?" the boy mumbled to himself, earning a displeased smile from the woman.

"You're welcome?" she said, looking down at the young man sitting on the bed.

Eggsy smiled cheekily and looked back up, a bit of feistiness back in his being.

"Thanks. Now, I know you'd love to stay n' watch me change, but I'd prefer to be in private." he teased, making the young woman blush a bit and look down. A gentle hum left his lips as he pointed to the door.

"Off you go. Thanks, once again." the blonde said, still smiling.

"Right. You be careful out there." the nurse said before leaving the room.

Right after the door closed, Eggsy's smile fell. He sighed, scrunching up the clothing in his hands as he pulled it closer to his chest. He didn't enjoy not knowing what to do or where to go. Right now, he felt useless. He couldn't start training until later, nor did he remember anything, so he couldn't help with whatever these people might have needed help with.

So, in conclusion, all that the youngster could do was hope that he'd get better and go for a walk to have a look around. With a sigh, Eggsy got back up and started to change.

Soon enough, he was ready and left the infirmary in a slight daze.

It felt strange to walk after such a long time, like his muscles were still asleep. He frowned down at his leg and stopped to shake them for a bit. Bloody hell, he'd have to get himself back in shape before the tests Harry had been talking about, otherwise he'd have no chance of qualifying for Kingsman.

A slightly pained frown still on his brow, the blonde continued his journey to try and find some way to get out of the building. All that he needed right now was fresh air and time to think. That wasn't going to happen inside with all the doctors and nurses fussing over him 24 hours a day.

After some wandering around and a few wrong turns, the boy found himself on the front lawn. He stood there in a stunned silence for some time, blinking at the beautiful sight.

Even though he had suspected to find something like this, the whole mansion and courtyard area was just stunning. Hell, he could have stayed out here for the rest of his life. His eyes wondered around the area until he caught sight of what seemed to be a running track.

_Oh, that was nice._

A smile tugged at Eggsy's lips as he made his way towards the track, legs yearning to go for a run. Yes, he knew he was in no shape to run for long, but he needed to burn some of his pent-up energy.

Soon, Eggsy was running, his breathing shallow and his legs already aching. It hurt like hell, but at the same time, it felt good. For the first time in a while, the boy felt like he was actually alive.

It was wonderful.

He remembered running, of course He remembered how much he loved to go for a jog in the early morning mist or late at night when there weren't many people around. It would always be so nice and calm.

"Eggsy!"

The youngster was snapped out of his thoughts by someone's voice. He slowed down until he finally stopped and turned around. Running towards him he could see a young girl, somewhat his age with a bright smile on her lips. He tilted his head slightly, not able to say anything when the other ran straight to him and grabbed him into a hug.

"God, I was so worried about you!" she exclaimed.

Eggsy froze as the girl threw her arms around his neck.

_WHO THE HELL WAS THIS AND WHY WAS ROXY HUGGI-_

_Wait._

_Roxy._

_Her name was Roxy._

Eggsy stood rooted to the spot as the world started to blur.

"Eggsy, are you ok?" Roxy asked as she gripped his arms. "You look a little pale."

"I remember you... I remember you..." These seemed like the only words Eggsy was capable of uttering. His mind raced, trying to find fragments of memories and piece them together.

He was rewarded with an image of himself and Roxy lying together on the neatly manicured lawn in front of the Kingsman mansion in black skydiving suits and an unopened parachute on Eggsy's back.

He remembered Roxy and him at the beginning of training.

_Training._

_He remembered his training!_

"Eggsy! Helloooo! Anyone home?" Roxy's voice snapped him back to reality. She quirked an eyebrow at him as he shifted his gaze to her.

"What happened? Thinking about something?"

"Y e s... I remember my training. I remember you. But I can't remember anything else." Eggsy scrunched up his face, trying to drag new memories to the surface.

Rox laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Take it easy. No pressure, remember?" Roxy let out a chuckle as Eggsy's eyes turned as big as dinner plates.

"Don't look so suprised. Merlin told me about... what happened."

Eggsy stared at his shoes, his face turning a light pink.

"Hey, I'll help you if you'd like. You still remember my number, right?"

Eggsy nodded. Of course he remembered Roxy's number! Well, at least he thought he remembered.

"Call me if you need anything," Roxy winked.

"Y-yeah, I will." the blonde stammered, still quite embarrassed. God, he had been an idiot climbing onto that roof and now he'd caused himself and many, many others a real shitload of trouble. This wasn't going to get any easier, even though at least now some of his memories were returning.

That really bugged him, though. There was Rox and then a lot of blurred faces and unclear voices, only a few loud words every here and there. But every memory about Roxy and his training was crystal clear. Even the part where he failed to shoot his dog.

_Holy shit._

_A dog. He had a bloody dog._

_JB! His name was JB!_

"Rox, where the hell is JB?" he asked, obviously thinking that he and the dog had been living here, even though deep down he knew that that wasn't the case. He knew that he'd been living with Harry, even though he didn't remember it.

"At Harry's place." the girl answered, her smile fading slightly. Was it good for Eggsy to go and get him?

"You should ask him to bring him and some of your stuff back here. I'm sure Merlin can find you a spare room or something." she suggested, receiving a nod from the blonde.

"I guess that's what I need to do, yeah?" he asked, frowning a bit. To be honest, Eggsy wasn't in the mood to speak to Harry, because every time he did a sense of guilt took over his body. He didn't want to hurt the older man, but he obviously couldn't help it. He still felt bad about it.

"Right. Good luck with that. I need to get going now." Roxy said, giving Eggsy a pat on the shoulder before turning and heading back towards the mansion in a light jog.

Eggsy stared after the her, a small smile playing on his lips.

He _remembered_ something.

Even though it wasn't much, it was better than nothing at all.

"Bye, Roxy. Thanks for everything!" Eggsy called as he waved, even though the young lady didn't see him do it.

God, there was so many things he needed to do right now, but didn't want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not very much angst in this chapter, but remember: we are building up to the biggest angstplosion ever in about... _2 chapters._
> 
> Hope the songs are suitable for the chapters! If you guys have any songs to reccomend, just mention them in the comments and I'll add them!
> 
> P.S. If there are any similarities to Nickygp's The Forgotten Knight, please bear in mind that my dear rp partner, Arter, hadn't even heard of it until 3/4 way through, and I tried my best to keep the storyline original. I would never DREAM of stealing someone else's ideas, especially Nicole's.


	5. Hold On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at the 5th and angstiest chapter! It will be _heartbreaking._ My poor rp partner, Arter, was in tears as we finished this bit.
> 
> I seriously think she hates me for that. Not really, hahaaaa, because we're still rp-ing!
> 
> We're going to be switching between Eggsy and Harry quite a bit, and THERE IS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT and both of them get drunk af. Not to give you any spoilers, but if it's not your thing, STAY THE HELL AWAY BCOS THIS WILL ESCALATE QUICKLY.
> 
> So... yea. Just sayin.
> 
> NOW FOR THE SONG REC
> 
>  
> 
> \- Half A Heart by One Direction
> 
> \- Drunk by Ed Sheeran
> 
> \- Die For You by Lawson
> 
> \- Lay Me Down by Sam Smith
> 
> \- Still Hurts by Lawson
> 
>  
> 
> Can I lay by your side?  
> Next to you, you,  
> And make sure you're all right?  
> I'll take care of you  
> And I don't want to be here if I can't be with you  
> Tonight.
> 
> ~Sam Smith

Harry stood in Eggsy's room for the first time in over a month. He desperately fought to keep his tears back. Everything in this room screamed _Eggsy,_ from the, frankly, horrible jackets (thankfully, hanging forgotten in the closet,) to the scent reminiscent of fresh snow and freshly laundered cotton that hung in the messy room.

He hadn't touched the room at all, even with his near obsession with keeping the house clean. The only neat thing in the room was the bed, which, ever since they has confessed their love for each other, they had no use for, and was therefore untouched.

Other than that, the room looked as if it had been hit by a tornado, with clothes all over the floor and papers stacked haphazardly on the overflowing desk.

It was a _mess._

But Harry wouldn't have changed it for the world, especially since he had... lost his Eggsy. It was one of the last pieces of Eggsy that he had left.

This room was holy ground.

And Harry was about to commit sacrilege.

He solemnly packed clean clothes, toiletries, and a few of Eggsy's odds and ends into a small luggage, being careful not to touch anything else in the room.

He couldn't hold back the tears that dropped from his eyes as he dragged the bag outside and closed the door.

He had defiled his little shrine to Eggsy. He had destroyed a tiny piece of their old life.

A life Harry knew they could never return to.

\-----------------------------

After finishing his jog and asking Merlin to call Harry and bring Eggsy's belongings back, the boy was sitting in his new room, reading some old, dusty book. 

He hadn't actually been man enough to call Harry himself, even though he knew there was nothing that he could have possibly felt. Well, nothing else than awkwardness and the pain of knowing that every word he spoke hurt the other. Eggsy didn't want to be the reason why someone's life was being torn apart. He didn't want to, but he was. It didn't feel good at all.

Neither did the knowlege that the past 3 years of his life were nothing but a lost memory.

Even though the blonde remembered Rox and his time in training, all the other blurred faces and slurred voices tortured him. He wanted - no, _needed_ \- to know.

He needed more. Even the slightest glimpse of his old life would be good. Sadly, even though the young man wracked his brain trying to remember, nothing popped back. _Absolutely nothing,_ and it drove him up the wall.

Eggsy felt fidgety, his hands aching to hold a gun after such a long time. He needed to go to the shooting range, but he couldn't. Not right now, when he was waiting for Harry to bring him his belongings. The blonde sighed and leaned against the headboard of his bed, slumping into a rather bad posture. It hurt, but he didn't care. The amnesia hurt worse.

\-----------------------------

Harry pulled the bag up to Eggsy's new room and stopped just shy of the door.

 _He couldn't. He couldn't face Eggsy again._

He just wanted to run and run and run and never stop. No, scratch that. He wanted his world to _stop._ He wanted that more than ever right now.

His fingers twitched toward his gun.

Dare he?

But what if Eggsy remembered just as he pulled the trigger? What if he was making a big mistake? What if Eggsy stil loved him, deep down inside, and by pulling the trigger, he was ending them for good?

His fingers clasped the ring lying against his chest.

 _No._ He would hold on.

He would hold on for Eggsy.

Harry rapped on the door twice and stalked down the hall as quickly as he could, ducking around a corner just as he heard Eggsy open the door.

_Not yet. He couldn't face Eggsy yet._

\-----------------------------

Not soon after the boy had emerged from his thoughts and concentrated back on the book, there was a knock on the door.

His gaze shot up, expecting someone to come in, but nothing happened.

"Come in!" Eggsy called, but there was no reply. He let out a soft groan as he shifted himself from his bed and headed for the door, dragging his feet. The person could have just come in and spared him the trouble standing up, but nooo, he had to get up and walk to the door.

The blonde carefully swung the door open, expecting to see Harry or Merlin behind it, but was surprised when there was nobody.

He frowned, glancing down at the bag someone had left on the floor. It had a small name tag wih 'Eggsy Unwin' written on it in very untidy handwriting. Obviously, it was his bag. Harry must have brought it to him.

The strange thing was that the older man semmed to have disappeared from sight. Oh, and he hadn't brought JB. He'd forgotten the bloody dog! 

"Hmph, I guess JB was too much to ask for..." Eggsy mumbled before bending down to pick up the bag.

\-----------------------------

_Eggsy stumbled through the door, dragging a rather battered luggage._

_He quickly shed his suit jacket, loosened his tie, and undid the top buttons of his shirt as he made his way to the sitting room. There, he found Harry, who had been waiting for him in his armchair, clad in his pjyamas and a red dressing gown._

_"Welcome home, darling."_

_Eggsy all but flew into Harry's arms, flinging his arms around his neck as Harry's arms wrapped around his torso._

_"Missed you," Eggsy mumbled into Harry's shoulder._

_"I missed you too," Harry whispered and pressed a gentle kiss to Eggsy's neck._

_Eggsy hummed softly as Harry's lips trailed over his neck, collarbones, and jawline._

_Harry turned Eggsy around and pressed small, chaste kisses to the nape of Eggsy's neck. Eggsy moaned softly and gripped Harry's wrists loosely, right arm to right, left to left. One hand clutched Eggsy's chest, the other slipped underneath the waistband of Eggsy's trousers to trace the curve of his hipbones._

_"Harry," Eggsy whispered breathlessly._

_Harry pulled Eggsy closer and gently nipped at the skin of Eggsy's neck._

"Harry!"

Eggsy's eyes shot open, awoken by his own moans.

_What the hell just happened?_

He frowned as he sat up in his bed and looked around to see if someone had heard him. Luckily - and obviously - there was nobody around to hear or see him.

Oh, he would have been quite a sight right now. His cheeks were flushed a bright red, his hair was a mess and his shirt was wrinkled . He had fallen asleep in his clothes, creasing them quite deeply.

He didn't mind, though. Someone else might have minded, but Eggsy didn't care. He had more important things to think about.

The boy's thoughts wandered back to his dream.

It had been incredibly intimate. Everything felt so real, though. He could practially feel the strong arms that had encircled his body, the warmth of gentle lips pressed to his skin... The pleasure and the love in that moment, but as soon as it was gone there was nothing left, but an uncomfortable tingling sensation. It didn't help much, though. Now he was only more confused.

The blonde decided to think about this situation a bit more before telling anyone anything. He didn't want to give Harry the misconception that he actually remembered him, nor did he want to feel any more pressured to remember anything. The pressure he himself was setting on him was enough.

It was horrible, but he couldn't get it away. He needed to remember something. Anything that could help him surface more memories. It was harder than it seemed, though. In the end, Eggsy just ended up being frustrated and tired.

\-----------------------------

Harry was having similar problems at home. He had been asleep at his desk when Eggsy had appeared in his dreams, his slim arms wrapped around Harry's waist, soft lips pressed to Harry's neck, tongue teasing Harry's skin.

Harry had reached for the arms around his waist to find that they had never really been there.

_"Eggsy."_

A tear streaked down Harry's face and plopped onto his arm.

_He wasn't there. **He wasn't there.**_

"Eggsy." The word that escaped his lips sounded more like a plea than anything else. A plea to his lover, asking him to please, _please, **please**_ come home, to wrap his arms around him, to kiss him, to tell him that everything was ok.

A plea to Eggsy, begging for his love.

\-----------------------------

Eggsy glances around his room. The bottle of whiskey that had been set onto the dresser caught his eye. 

For a moment, he thought that no, drinking in this situation wasn't a good idea. 

Only for a moment, though. 

Pretty soon he convinced himself that it was fine to have a few glasses, and headed to pour himself a drink.

The blonde's hand shook as he finally sat down back onto his bed and lifted the glass to his lips. The alcohol burned in his throat, but it felt good. It reminded him that he wasn't totally numb, even though he definitely felt like it.

A certain warmth burned in his chest for a moment before it faded away. Eggsy let out a frustrated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was going to need something to do, or he'd never stop thinking about Harry or all the things he didn't remember.

\-----------------------------

Harry was on his second bottle.

He knew he was going to wake up with a massive hangover the next morning, but it couldn't be worse than the knowledge that Eggsy would never love him again, he reasoned.

His Eggsy wasn't _his_ anymore. There was no _them_.

There was just Harry. And then there was Eggsy.

 _Eggsy._ The perfect boy he had fallen for. The ruffian he had turned into a gentleman (well, almost.) The broken boy he had come home to after 5 months in an obscure town in Kentucky. The broken heart he had put back together.

His partner.

His lover.

Harry broke into fresh sobs as his fingers curled into a jacket of Eggsy's that he had kept. It was the ugliest thing Harry had ever seen, but it was so _Eggsy._

Harry lifted the smooth fabric to his face, drowning in Eggsy's scent, the memory of the first time he had kissed Eggsy with his hands fisted in this very same sweatshirt, the bittersweet memory of _them._

There will never be a _them_ again. Harry knew that.

Harry groaned loudly.

What was the point of living if there was nothing to live for?

Harry glanced over at the desk drawer. He knew his gun was in there, locked and loaded in case of an emergency. His fingers itched to curl around the cool black metal, to hook themselves around the trigger, to lift it to his temple.

To end this living hell he was enduring.

Harry slammed his fist on the desk.

_He couldn't._

_**He just couldn't.** _

He knew there would come a time when he would scrape together the courage to pull the trigger, but that day wasn't today.

He would hold on.

For Eggsy.

\-----------------------------

After his fourth glass, Eggsy could feel the world blurring around him. The ticking of the clock slowed down, and his head started feeling lighter. He waited for the lovely release that the alcohol usually gave, but it didn't come.

His thoughts were louder now and echoed in his head for longer periods of time. They wouldn't leave him alone, nor would they quieten down. He needed to remember everything, or he would never be left alone by these tormenting thoughts. Or if he wasn't going to remember, then he might as well forget everything.

Drink his life away, right? 

Soon, the youngster had emptied his glass, but he still didn't feel too bad. He just needed to get some fresh air, maybe see the stars in the night sky. The Kingsman manor was far enough from the city that the sky was much darker here, so the stars shone brightly.

Maybe that could help him relax? It was worth a try.

Eggsy stood up and walked out of his room, not bothering to close the door behind him. He sighed as he continued down the corridor, his gaze pointed to the ground.

Everything here felt so familiar, but still so far away. Like he had been here forever, but something had changed.

Well, that was what happened, wasn't it?

Something had happened. Something he just couldn't remember even if he tried.

God, how he wanted to remember. He wanted things to go back to what they were. He had wracked his brain, but had came up with nothing.

Nothing except the warm feeling of Harry's hands against his skin, holding him close. It felt so distant, like it was only a dream.

A few tears rolled onto the boy's fair cheeks as he stepped into the moonlight. He let out a ragged sigh and sat onto the cold stone stairs. It was silent at night, the soft rustle of the wind in his ears being the only sound for kilometers.

It was peaceful outside, but in the boy's head everything was in a mess. It felt like pieces of him were missing, blown away in the wind. He couldn't catch them even if he tried. His memories, the most important ones were gone and it hurt. 

It hurt him and the people around him.

He didn't want to cause pain to others. Not like this.

He wanted to remember.

After a while Eggsy felt his head getting heavier. He sighed and leaned it against the stone railing. He didn't feel like moving, so he didn't. Soon enough, the blonde closed his eyes and curled into a small ball. It didn't take him long to drift back into sleep.

\-----------------------------

_**"Harry!!!"** _

_The scream ripped Eggsy's throat raw. He could swear he tasted blood every time he swallowed._

_Harry was gone._

_Above the pain in his throat, he felt loss, shock, despair, longing, intense sorrow, and regret. Regret that he the last things he said to Harry were filled with so much bitterness, that he had never said sorry, that he had never said goodbye, that he had never told how much he had come to love him._

_The silence that now filled the room was deafening. Eggsy just wanted to cover his ears and scream until his voice was gone. He wanted to run and run and run and never stop._

_**He wanted Harry back.** _

"Harry." Eggsy woke once again with that name on his lips.

He had fallen asleep in an akward position on the stairs and his back throbbed in protest as he straightened up. His head hurt like hell, his mouth felt like sandpaper, and he suddenly had the urge to throw up.

Eggsy rubbed a hand over his face.

Another all-too-realistic dream.

_What was happening to him?_

The strangest thing was that both dreams had been about Harry. He could still feel the emptiness that had permeated the entire dream.

It was as if... he had felt it before.

Eggsy's thoughts were cut rather short when the urge to throw up overpowered him. He bent over the railing and threw up, a loud groan leaving his lips afterwards.

Fucking hell, he shouldn't have drunk so much alcohol. As if he hadn't felt bad enough...

He wiped the corners of his mouth onto his sleeve and groaned again. He felt like utter shit, to say the least. The thoughts about his dream came back.

What the hell had happened? Was that the Kentucky thing Harry had told him about?

It had to be. It felt so fucking real, but so distant. It made his chest ache, even though he didn't know why. Harry was alive and it wasn't like he had lost him.

It was the other way around.

Still, it hurt like hell. Eggsy felt his stomach ache like it hadn't in a long time. He felt like sitting back down and crying, but he didn't do that. Someone would notice him. He had to stay strong and deal with this by himself. Nobody would even understand what he was going through.

Hell, he needed to see Harry. He needed to be sure that the other was alive. Somehow, Eggsy felt like he needed to check on him.

Harry still loved him and that had to mean something, even though he didn't remember anything about them. It would be only fair to at least talk to him, right? 

\-----------------------------

Harry groaned and covered his eyes with his hand. He had a splitting headache, his stomach was doing flip-flops, and his _everything_ hurt.

Not to mention his broken heart which somehow managed to shatter into even tinier pieces after his dream last night.

Scratch that. It wasn't a dream.

It was a nightmare.

Harry glanced around the room. There were two empty bottles and a glass on his desk, reminding him of- _NO, DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT. Not unless you want your hangover to get even worse._ Soft morning light filtered through the curtains in his study, bathing the room in golden shades.

Gold. Just like what should have been Eggsy's ring.

Harry winced and fingered the cord around his neck. Why did _everything_ have to remind him of Eggsy?

Maybe it was because Eggsy was his everything.

Harry could hear the doorbell ringing frantically in the hallway. Just like it had been for the past five minutes. He knew it was rude of him to keep his guest waiting, but he knew who was outside the door.

He knew who was looking for him.

Eggsy.

And he knew that he couldn't face him.

Not now.

Not ever.

Eggsy had called his mobile so many times he had lost count. Eggsy had sent him 20 texts in the past 3 minutes.

_We need to talk. EU_

_Open the door, I'm outside. EU_

_Harry, stop ignoring me. EU_

_I know you're awake. Open the bloody door. EU_

Harry's unsent answer to all of them: No, _no, **no, and NO.**_

\-----------------------------

Eggsy groaned as he continued to abuse the doorbell in the same way he had already done for the past five minutes. His head hurt and the repeated ringing wasn't a very beautiful sound. At the same time, with his other hand he sent Harry text messages, asking him to let him in.

It didn't seem to be working, though. The older man wasn't going to let him in.

"Harry fucking Hart, let me in!" he finally shouted, staring up at the windows on the second floor. He couldn't see anything, but he still hoped that Harry would see him looking up. Hell, he probably wasn't even in that room.

After a while Eggsy resorted to pound the door with his fist. God help him, he didn't need this shit right now. He was trying his best to help the both of them, but Harry just couldn't help him help them, could he?

"Please?" the blonde was finally starting to give up and he leaned his forehead against the door. "Harry, let me in."

_Please. EU_

_I know you can hear me, Harry. EU_

_Don't do this. EU_

\-----------------------------

Harry glared at the door from the hallway. He had taken a shower, trying to ignore the mad ringing of the doorbell and the 15 texts he received throughout the duration of his shower.

He pulled his dressing gown tighter around himself, shooting another murderous glace at the front door.

_Eggsy, this isn't cute anymore. Go away. HH_

The shrill ringing continued.

Harry growled, curling his hands into white-knuckled fists.

"Eggsy Unwin, leave me alone!" Harry yelled, storming back to his study.

\-----------------------------

Eggsy was starting to get very, very frustrated. He had better things to do, to be honest. Now nobody could blame him of not trying to make things better. 

He stopped ringing the doorbell and sighed. Why couldn't Harry just let him in? Talking would help, but noooo, he was too fucking stubborn, wasn't he? He had literally tried everything but climbing in through a window, but that was something he wasn't going to resort to. It wouldn't help anything, to be honest.

It was obvious that Harry didn't want to talk to him. 

"Fine! I didn't want to remember you. anyway! My life will be so much fucking better without you!" Eggsy shouted spitefully and hit the door with his fist.

"Fuck you, Harry! I fucking tried and you just won't help me?! Fine!" he almost screamed before storming away.

He was so done with all of this shit. He wanted to start again. It was obvious that this whole thing had run it's course. There was nothing he could do to help anyone, especially himself.

Eggsy let out a ragged sigh as he walked down the road towards the Kingsman cab that had been parked a few blocks away.

\-----------------------------

Harry froze.

_What had he done?_

He thought he knew Eggsy. He thought that Eggsy would just walk away. He had never expected those words to come from his mouth.

Ever.

He had just wanted a bit of peace after getting horribly drunk the night before. Was that too much to ask?

Harry moaned softly as he reached up to rub his temples. His fingers brushed the scar on his left temple, just behind his eyebrow.

Harry winced. He had taken that bullet thinking that he would make it to Eggsy.

It took 5 months, but he had made it back. He had come back from the dead for Eggsy. He had braved the fiercest crossfires to make it back to Eggsy. He had loved-- no, still loved-- Eggsy with every fibre of his being, and Eggsy had loved him back with all of his heart.

Now, Harry had just destroyed the last fragile tie that connected them.

_There was nothing left._

Harry stumbled back to his study. Back to his desk. Back to the cold, black gunmetal. Back to emptiness.

Harry bit his lip. He pulled open his desk drawer and curled his fingers around the handle of his gun.

_Deep breath._

Harry sucked in a deep breath, calming the raging adrenalin burning through his veins. He slowly raised his gun to his left temple.

To the spot where Valentine had shot him.

"Harry, what the bloody hell are you doing?" Merlin yelled through Harry's earpiece. His voice sounded distant to Harry, like he was in a dream.

"I have nothing left, Merlin," Harry whispered. "I have nothing left to live for. I lost Eggsy. I drove him away."

Harry tugged sharply at the cord around his neck, snapping it. He glanced down at the gold ring threaded on it and ran his fingers slowly over the words etched on the inside.

_You're all I need. ~HH_

Everything he needed was gone.

He had no reason to continue.

He wanted the pain to stop. He wanted to stop feeling anything but love for his Eggsy.

He wanted oblivion.

He wanted to stop.

 

Stop his heart.

 

\-----------------------------

Once Eggsy sat safely in the back seat of the cab, he pulled out his phone to check if he had any messages.

Nothing.

Harry obviously didn't care anymore.

He frowned, but didn't want to stay and think about it.

God, he was so full of this shit already and he wanted to let go. There was nothing keeping him here anymore. No obligation to remember anything.

He was free to do whatever he wanted.

The blonde decided to call Merlin. He leaned back in his seat and let the phone ring.

"Hello, lad. I was wondering where you were." Merlin's voice answered. It still seemed rather distant to Eggsy.

"Hi." he greeted and let out a sigh. "Look, I really don' feel the need to stay in Kingsman anymore. Harry doesn't give a shit 'bout me anymore an' I'm tired of trying." the blonde added.

After a moment of silence the clicking of a keyboard could be heard.

"You were at Harry's, right?" Merlin asked.

"Yeah." Eggsy answered shortly. He didn't feel like explaining him right now.

"What happened?" the other asked.

"Nothing. Nada. Nichts. He didn't even bother comin' to the door." he answered.

"Right...." Merlin sounded concerned.

"What?" Eggsy asked, feeling a slight sting of regret in his chest.

Merlin had cut the call rather short, mumbling something incoherent about Harry. Eggsy hadn't thought much of it at first, but the next message he got from the other almost stopped his heart.

**Harry's going to shoot himself. M**

_No. This was not happening. There was no way this was happening._ Harry was not going to shoot himself because of this.

"Stop....stop the fucking car!" Eggsy shouted as he unbuckled the seatbelt. He didn't wait for the car to stop properly before jumping out. He stumbled, dropping his phone to the ground, but he didn't bother to pick it up.

In a few moments the younger man was in a full-on sprint, running down the road as fast as he could. His heart beat hard in his chest, and a cold sweat formed on his forehead. His knees felt like they were going to buckle at any given moment, but he didn't care.

He ran.

Harry wouldn't kill himself because of this. Eggsy wouldn't let him. He couldn't live with his blood on his hands.

He wouldn't live with Harry's blood on his hands.

He was not going to let it happen again.

He was not going to lose Harry all over again.

At that moment the image of Harry's bloody and beaten up face flashed in Eggsy's mind.

_Kentucky._

_He remembered Kentucky._

The thought of losing Harry again burned his chest like it had back then. Back when he had actually thought that the other was gone.

He remembered the way he cried for hours. He didn't leave Harry's home until they dragged him out. 

He didn't want it to happen again. He couldn't let it happen again. There were so many things he needed to say. So many things they needed to do.

Again, another image flashed before his eyes. This time, Harry was alive, smiling at him.

_He was alive._

_**His** Harry was alive._

 "H-Harry?!" echoed in his head. 

"Eggsy." he came the reply. 

In the very same second, Eggsy jumped into Harry's arms.

"I love you." Eggsy whispered.

"I love you, too." the other had whispered back.

_God, he really did love him. He loved every part of that man. He couldn't lose him._

Eggsy ran as fast as he could, tears now running down his face.

He remembered. He remembered everything, but soon, everything he would have left would be those broken memories of the two of them. Harry would die thinking that he didn't want him any more.

Harry would die.

He would lose his only reason to live, again.

After what felt like years, Eggsy reached Harry's door. He didn't stop to think.

He didn't need to.

He remembered where they had hidden the spare key. The youngsters hands shook as he shoved the key into the lock and opened the door.

_He couldn't be too late._

_He needed to stop this._

"Harry!" the boy called, his voice broken.

He didn't care.

"Harry! Answer me, goddammit!" Eggsy cried as he ran up the stairs.

He didn't want to lose Harry.

He couldn't be too late.

\-----------------------------

Harry closed his eyes as his fist closed tightly over Eggsy's ring. His hands trembled as he clicked the safety on his pistol off.

Images from outside the church flooded his head. A bubble of sadness and regret burst in his chest.

There was so much he never said. There was so much he never did, not for himself, but for Eggsy.

A tear streaked down his face as he gripped the ring even tighter. The metal seared his skin, reminding of how much more he could have loved Eggsy.

But it was too late now.

His finger squeezed the trigger-

But never fired the shot.

"Harry."

Harry's breath hitched in his chest.

_Eggsy._

Gentle fingers had pried his finger off the trigger just as he was about to slam the bullet into his head. The very same fingers eased the gun from his hand and-

They were caressing his face.

"Eggsy." Harry looked up, and through the blur of tears, he could just make out a pair of green eyes staring back at him.

_Eggsy._

_He came back._

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked weakly.

"Merlin told me you were-" Eggsy gulped down a few deep breaths.

"He told me you were... going t-to s-s-shoot yourself." Eggsy was sure his voice was as broken as he felt. He was frantically fighting the urge to cry, but his valiant effort didn't stop the tears from spilling from his eyes anyway.

Eggsy fisted his hands in Harry's shirt.

_Deep breaths._

"I remember. I remember everything, Harry! I remember you and me when you returned from Kentucky, I remember you cooking dinner for me every night, I remember you holding me every night when I woke up with nightmares about you dying, I remember loving you!" Eggsy squeezed out between tiny sobs.

Harry had just stood frozen as Eggsy poured his heart out.Then he wrapped an arm around Eggsy's waist, pulling the boy's shaking form closer to his. His other hand clung tightly to Eggsy's shoulders.

He couldn't believe it.

His Eggsy.

His Eggsy had come back to him.

The boy was clinging tightly to Harry, his chest spasming with silent sobs.

"I remember everything, Harry." Eggsy tilted his tear-stained face up to look at his lover.

His partner.

_His everything._

Harry just smiled, somehow managing to look like the happiest man on the planet even with the tears that had been streaking down his face.

Then he placed his lips on Eggsy's. It was such a gentle kiss, more a brush of lips than anything else, but it felt like a star had exploded into a supernova between them.

"Eggsy. My Eggsy," Harry whispered as he carded a shaking hand through blonde silk.

Eggsy chased the contact, pushing his head up against Harry's hand.

"All yours. All of me belongs to you," Eggsy murmured softly.

"My Eggsy. My everything."

"I love you so much, Harry. I love you so much, it fucking hurts."

"I love you too, Eggsy. I love you so much, I almost killed myself over you."

"Don't you ever do that again. Don't you dare."

"I won't. I promise."

A beat of silence passed between them.

"Eggsy?"

"Yes, love?"

 

"Will you marry me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAA I WAS IN HEAVEN AND HELL DOING THIS RP!!! THE. ANGST. ♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡
> 
> There will be an epilogue after this, so prepare yourselves for some Hartwin!domestic!!!
> 
> Really hope you guys liked this! My first time writing a fic. Sort of. Not really. It's not really a fic, more of an edited rp, like the one I did with poechild (Lovesick.) But I hope you liked it!
> 
> If you wanna find me on tumblr, it's willasherlyscottholmes!
> 
> LLAP, AND THANK YOU FOR READING!!! ♥♥♥


	6. Learn to Love Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this last part took so long! Hope you like it! I didn't really think it needed an epilogue, but it just sums it up nicely, so I posted it anyway.
> 
> And i'm really sorry, but this was better than the one I was originally planning on when I wrote the last chapter of the fic, so it's not exactly Hartwin!domestic... Idk if it is, but I think it fits nicely.
> 
> Some songs for this chapter!
> 
> -All of Me by John Legend
> 
> -Learn to Love Again by Lawson
> 
> -Restart by Sam Smith
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter was named after the Lawson song of the same title.

_Blood thundered in Harry's ears. He was in the back of the Kingsman cab with Eggsy in his lap. Again. He knew how this was going to end, and he knew he was powerless to change what he knew was coming._

_Eggsy was going to be taken from him. Again._

_Harry could feel Eggsy's grip on his hand tighten as pain wracked his body, causing the boy to moan in agony. He clutched Eggsy closer to his chest, whispering that everything was going to be ok, that he would make it, that he was going to be fine._

_Every single one of those words was a lie._

_The cab suddenly jerked to a stop, and the doors were yanked open. Paramedics swarmed the car, their yelling muffled to Harry as he held Eggsy even closer to his heart._

_**Don't take him. Please, don't take him.** _

_Long, slim fingers were ripped fron Harry's, where they had been entangled for the entire trip._

_**No.** _

_**No.** _

_**No!** _

_"Eggsy!" Harry screamed, groping for hands he knew he would never find._

_Through his haze of tears, he could see Eggsy reaching out to him. His ears perked at the sound of a faint "Harry," and his body was washed anew with desperation. He fought and struggled against the hands holding him back. Then he heard it again._

_"Harry."_

_He stopped struggling and stared sadly at Eggsy, who was reaching out to him in the most heartbreaking way._

_"Eggsy," he whispered._

_**No.** _

_"Harry." The boy's face suddenly hardened into a cold glare._

_**No.** _

_"This is all your fault," he hissed_

_**No.** _

Harry's eyes snapped open.

_Eggsy._

He jolted upright and shot an arm out to feel for the warmth that should be next to him.

Rumpled sheets and squashed pillows.

"Eggsy!" Harry cried, panic blossoming in his chest and seeping into his veins.

\-----------------------------

Eggsy had been trying to wake up with a mug of tea. Until he heard a tortured voice crying his name from upstairs, that was. The pain in Harry's voice had an effect surpassing that of 10 cups of pure caffeine, and Eggsy bolted to the stairs, nearly tripping over himself on the way up.

He burst into the room and found Harry sitting disheveled in bed. His breathing was heavy and erratic, and he was wearing a look of pure terror.

"Harry!" Eggsy breathed, striding quickly across the room to wrap his arms around his lover's-- no, _husband's_ shoulders.

Harry immediately melted into Eggsy's touch and wrapped his arms tightly around Eggsy's waist like   
he would disappear id Harry let go.

Eggsy stroked Harry's hair gently as the older man slowly calmed, his breathing and heartrate returning to normal.

"What was it this time, love?" he asked gently.

"Same thing, only, this time, you told me it was all my fault." Harry whispered, his voice cracked and breathless.

Eggsy's heart broke just a little more for Harry at those words.

"You know it's not your fault, dearest. If anyone is to blame, it would be my fault. I did something stupid, and both of us paid for my decision. But we can't change the past. All we can do is keep moving on." Eggsy soothed, and planted a gentle kiss in Harry's hair.

Harry just hummed softly and pressed his face into Eggsy's shoulder. Dear, sweet Eggsy. He always knew what would calm Harry after his nightmares. He always knew what would make him smile even after he most depressing missions. He always knew how to turn Harry on...

They had gotten married 6 months after Harry proposed on the day his world was at its darkest and brightest. They didn't want to wait too long in case something... happened to one of them. Thankfully, both of them made it to the wedding in one piece, and were now happily married for a year.

But time had done nothing to erase the trauma to Harry's heart. He was now even more posessive of Eggsy than he had previously been, and their already close bond had grown stronger and impossibly closer. Not that Eggsy had a problem with any of that, of course.

"Eggsy?"

"Mmm?"

"What did you feel like when you regained your memories?"

"It felt like a dam had broken inside my head, and all the memories were rushing back. Why?"

"I thought our love was going to die with me when I pressed that gun to my head. But when you told me you remembered, it felt like falling for you all over again."

"Yeah," Eggsy mused as he carded his fingers through Harry's hair.

"We learned to love again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOW WAS IT?
> 
> My first attempt at angst and fluff! Hope you guys enjoyed this! I'd love your comments and criticism, so just drop those in the comments!
> 
> If you'd like to find me on tumblr, it's willasherlyscottholmes.
> 
> Thanks for reading! ♡♡♡


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